gone too soon

My dear friend Suzy brought us over a book called "Gone Too Soon" (by sherri devasharayee wittwer) last week. It's a book about dealing with any kind of loss of infants and unborn children from an LDS perspective. I am anxious to read the book and I think it will a good, but hard experience. And I may write about my thoughts as I go through the book, because writing helps and maybe this will help others in grief.

I know it will be hard because just reading first line of the dedication put tears in my eyes:

"to my son who first let me taste the sweetness of motherhood..."

I can't even really start reading it. I just skimmed through the book and read parts that stuck out to me. I did read the preface, which threw into sharp relief the pieces of my heart and life that are scattered around me. We don't cry every day anymore and it isn't so hard to be normal.  But everything is still there.

She quotes from 1 Corinthians: 

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."

I know that this is true. I know that some day I will see the big picture. I have faith in the gospel and in my Savior and His plan. But. It. still. sucks. everyday. It's an interesting paradox in my mind, to know for sure that our baby is safe and happy in heaven, but to know without a doubt that that means she is not here. How can I wish her away from our Savior's arms?  But oh, I do. I do and I cry bitter tears that we couldn't keep her.

Her perfect, perfects toes. I will never forget looking at our baby and knowing that she was perfect, but she just needed more time (the author talks about this as well). Her perfect toes, perfect tiny hands, sweet nose and lips. Just two days before we saw her perfect, four-chambered heart.

And I'm angry at my otherwise healthy but somehow incompetent body for not being able to keep her inside, for whatever unknown reason. And I know that we are lucky that we are able to have children and hopefully this will never happen again. But it will be part of our every day for the rest of our lives.


Emily said...

Thank goodness for blogs. And journaling, for that matter. It sounds like a super great book, too.

Katya said...

what a great scripture. aaron pointed out a great stanza in "come, come ye saints" the other day that seemed particularly applicable to zach (and maybe your baby?)

and should we die before our journey's through,
happy day! all is well!
we then are free from toil and sorrow too,
with the just we shall dwell.

i miss you. call me if you ever need to talk.

Shanna Selin said...

This post was very beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

Christensens said...

Made me cry. Thank goodness we know that there is a life after this earth.

Suzy said...

I hope the book continues to be a positive experience for you. Love you.