Earlier this week I put the diapers and some outfits in a pretty box and put it in the other room.  And it wasn't as dramatic as it sounds. We didn't even cry.

It isn't the fact that we put it away (we would for moving anyway), it's the seeming eternity before we have a reason to open the box again. I just can't get over how close we were and how far away we are now.

And it's so obvious, all the time. It's just there. Even when you aren't thinking about it, it's all you can think about. Just looking in the mirror reminds me.

We are clinging to hope and faith. We're also sad, empty, exhausted, jealous, annoyed, bitter...I feel normal and not normal. Like I'm myself, but not. I want to tell everyone everything that happened, but I want to keep it all to myself.

And though this may contradict what I've wrote, I don't want this blog to be depressing. I don't want to be a depressing person. I'm trying to not let this be a chronicle of my bitterness, but sometimes it feels stupid to blog about something else. So, I don't know. I don't want this to define my life or my blog, but sometimes it's all I've got.

But we still laugh and have fun and try to plan for the future (ha, as if that ever works). Even though by the end of the day it's still hard and not fair that we were having a baby first and now we're have a baby last and it's still just so so sad, we are pressing forward. 

Because how can we not? 


kt said...

I think everything here is right on for handling grief. It's going to ebb and flow and you SHOULD grieve, even though it's hard to know if it's okay to be happy or okay to be sad.

I'll be sending you something via email that I meant to include in the mail...

love you!

Emily said...

i think you're absolutely, ridiculously amazing. and honest, real-life posts are the best posts.

Amy and Mark said...

you NEED to blog about it. Amanda you're so strong and you'll get your baby!!! You and Dave will be such amazing parents. Don't feel like you're being a downer! It's good to be honest and know that we love you!

Kristen said...

I don't know quite what to say other than thanks for sharing. What you're feeling is real and completely understandable. You don't have to put on a brave face and say it's all ok when it's not. Even though we have the promise that all will be made right in the end, the pain, hurt and other emotions we're feeling now are ever so real. So let it all out, burdens are lighter when shared. :-)

alyssa sorenson. said...

I love your honesty... and I love reading your blog. I think its healthy to embrace/acknowledge what you're feeling. And as always, you have a way with words which I quite enjoy.