on escaping

Every few days or sometimes hours, I get this desperate, heavy feeling in my soul that I need to get out of here. And to where? I don't know. But sometimes it just consumes my thoughts.

I don't know if it means out of this apartment for a day where I spend an alarming amount of time (when you consider the fact I live here) or out for a few weeks or for a few years. Or out of this state of life or out of this state...I'm not sure. But I know that I needtogetoutofhere. and like yesterday.

We're doing some traveling/moving in April and maybe I'll get more than I asked for then (wedding travel, vacation travel, moving travel, traveling to look at apartments before we move travel), but I doubt it. I just need to leave. Leave these walls where all I remember is that I was having a baby and now I'm not.

And then I remember it's the middle of January and where am I going to go? I want to feel the sun on my face but I can't really pack up and go to Mexico for a week. Even knowing that, I can't shake it. And April seems so far away. 

Part of our traveling will hopefully be a vacation to California, where hopefully we'll go to Disneyland and see the ocean and maybe send our cares away in a bottle.

We've tried, in a pathetic attempt to find humor/the bright side of everything, to make a "pros" list, if you will. Of course, we'd give all of those back, but what can I say? They help for a minute.

Like I can ride roller coasters, buy clothes I was putting off because I wouldn't fit in them anyways (my red jeans, which make me happy), and lick the spoon when I make batter. And oh, I licked the crap out of it. so there.

So I may just buy myself a new, striped swimsuit and march myself to California and feel free.


Emily said...

do it.

Karen said...

I felt SO many of these exact same things! Right after my miscarriage I told Jesse that I wanted to go to Disneyland RIGHT then so that I could be happy for one second that I wasn't pregnant while I was on some roller coaster. We didn't end up going, not for several more months anyway, but if you can go then you definitely should. And Provo really is the worst town to be in if you want to be pregnant and you're not, because it surely seems like everyone else is. I also had those feelings that I just wanted to get far away, and then we were told we were going to Ohio, and only THEN I got pregnant. As soon as I was able to get away from the other pregnant women finally, I was one, finally... go figure.
It will get better, but I definitely do understand all these feelings and you have a right to feel them.

Sara said...

I hope you can get away!

Amy and Mark said...

If I had 3,000 dollars, I'd send you two to Cabo for a week!

Connie said...

My brother lives RIGHT in the beach in Santa Monica. If you need a place to stay--I'm just sayin. They have a loft/ guest room. Hang in there. Sunshine would definitely do you some good.

Connie said...

Maybe get into a new show. I've started Breaking Bad (netflix). It's really cool. Definitely on the grown up side of the scale, but its a great place to escape to and live someone's problems instead of your own. Check it out.