on guilt/i need a chubby baby.


A few nights ago Dave and I were talking about things and in my very rational (read: teary and irrational) state, I wondered if it would be "okay" to be really excited to have another baby. Like to be even extra excited that (I still say if?) they make it here. Like if that is unfair/un whatever. Moving on and not forgetting our baby, just being happy to have another baby. It look me like 15 tries to explain my thoughts to Dave because I wasn't sure of them myself. So I hope this makes sense.

I think this is similar to what some parents go through when they have a second child. Like how can they ever love the second like the first, etc.? I think this is what I'm feeling. It's hard to see how (from my perspective) we will be just as excited for another baby.

But then I feel guilty for realizing that of course I would be excited to have another baby and actually have them here. And not that we are more excited for another baby, but the excitement will just last longer? Maybe I feel guilty because that excitement will last longer and cause more things to come into play (and I'm not sure what I mean by that...buying things? nursery? all the things that parents do? chubby little legs and cheeks to actually kiss?)

So much was cut short when we lost our baby. So many things we won't get to experience, and I hope that it is natural to feel excited to get to do those things with other kids, but still sad that we missed out on that with this baby. 

And I think it is hard for my heart and my brain to think that our next child will sort of the be first and sort of the second. I mean, in most ways it will be a first. Except for a few things like the first 20 weeks pregnancy, knowing what to expect -ish- the next time labor comes around and the dramatics (though maybe it will be less dramatic next time?) (oh, and recovery will be the same. urg, that is something that irks me...all the regular recoveries from childbirth but...no baby?? not cool.)

It will all be new, so doesn't that make it the first?

And I want to be so excited for all those firsts without thinking about how it kind of isn't but mostly is. Gah. I hate being confused.

But then Dave, with his age-old wisdom (almost 28, the oldie), said very kindly that he thinks our baby would be happy that we would be so happy for her brothers/sisters, and she would know that it is the same love and excitement we had for her, it's just different now. And she will be happy to see all the love that we have in our family. And I don't think that she or anyone would want our experiences with our other babies to be less than exciting and happy.

And that just has to be enough.


Emily said...

Dave is definitely wise and I agree with him. I think it totally makes sense to compare it to having a second child (I mean, it'll be your second child). Or even wanting a girl after having a boy or something like that. It doesn't mean that you love the one more/less than the other, but that you're excited for different experiences, since each kid's different from the rest. And I'm happy for you two too.

lindsay said...

amanda... i admire your strength. your baby wants you to be happy :-) dave is right. don't feel guilty!!
miss you!!!

Suzy said...

hang in there. You are an incredible woman.