The whole world is moving and I'm standing still*

I'm still in this place where I feel like I'm standing still watching the world go by.

I know we are okay and I know that God loves me and I know there is a plan and we aren't given more than we can handle and I know that the faithful are given back what was lost and that tears are wiped away and I KNOW ALL OF THAT. Really, I do.

But I know that I am not okay just yet. And I don't think I will be until I hold a baby that is real and mine. I think then my heart will be as whole as it ever will be--whole-er, at least. Whole enough to step back into time? Whole enough to not be so jealous and annoyed? hopefully.

I know that I feel like I'll never think of anything else but the future that we were headed towards. And now it's different. heavier. emptier.

So I stand and watch the world move. I reach my fingers out and feel the time going by, but I can't step into it. And I'm not sure when I'll be able to again.

I can't believe it's been almost 11 weeks.

It's still so unreal to think that our baby is gone. Like that would never happen to us, to anybody. People have babies all the time. Why couldn't ours be one of the full-term healthy ones?

But, ha, it's real. And we knew how real it was that day and every day since.


*world spins madly on, the weepies. I hope you aren't sick of me posting videos...but you don't have to watch them. But you should know that I only post awesome ones.

valentine's

our valentine's celebration was pretty low-key. I made one of dave's favorite pasta bakes and tried these individual chocolate cakes. They tasted good, but I'm not sure I could tell the difference between "molten" and "not cooked". Oh well, we ate it and didn't get sick. 

 

Dave got me this cute yellow bag with Disneyland in mind. awe. 
 

We both got each other cards and it was kind of funny how much they matched the recipient. Dave got me the card on the left because the jar reminded him of me (haha, yes, I'm in love with jars. (not really) but I think it was the "crafty" feel). And I found this funny html card online. And I totally get it, which just says how nerdy I am. Thanks to Dave. ha. 
 
 

mine for 5 years



This is our fifth valentine's day (whaaaa?). To be honest, I kind of mix up valentine's days from 2009-2011, but I remember 2008 clearly. Dave and I had been dating (nothing official) for a few weeks. I went to the copy center to give Dave a CD (soundtrack to august rush) and he had one for me. I gave him his CD and he told me to turn around. He slipped my CD in my backpack and told me not to look in my backpack until I got home. We smiled and said goodbye. On my way home I put my wallet back into my backpack but I didn't look. I just saw some red. And then I smiled all the way home. I got home and found a CD and this cute valentine. 

We hadn't held hands at this point, but this basically said he loved me, right? I took it that way. I showed everyone with excitement. 

Mind you, I didn't hear from Dave at all that night (he said tonight, "probably not the best move on my part") and I hung out with my roommates and went to the law library to study. I took my new CD though, and I loved it. 

To this day, the songs from the album take me back to the law library, valentine's day and that super shy guy I was dating named Dave. 

We don't really have a song officially (though if you'd ask, we'd probably say "watcha say" by jason derulo (don't ask)...), but I would say that this is really our song. But no one has heard of it so it will probably never be played anywhere. I think besides the band, 10 people have heard of this band, and most of them are Dave's old roommates. BUT they are great. So check them out.

happy lamentine's nay everybody! *

empty space, by rathbone. 



*30 rock, v-day episode, current season. it rocks.

marchin on

a song I recently heard, though I believe it is a year or two old. I can't get enough.

the beat, the lyrics (seriously, I love them), the video. I would like to take drum lessons now, thanks. I'd also see onerepublic in concert again. they were fabulous.

I think this song just fits into my life (or fits my life). what do you think of it? 



For all of the plans we've made,
There isn't a flag I'd wave.
Don't care if we bend,
I'd sink us to swim

We'll have the days we break,
And we'll have the scars to prove it.
We'll have the bonds that we save,
But we'll have the heart not to lose it.

There's so many wars we fought,
There's so many things we're not,
But with what we have,
I promise you that
We're marching on

the world spins madly on

Last night I think I was awake for at least an hour longer than when we went to bed because all I could think about was those few days. I replayed every second over and over in my head and I couldn't stop. My life is pretty simple these days: I wish every second of every day that we still had our baby (we both do). It almost never goes away. And no, I'm not like crazy with grief and I think if you didn't know, you wouldn't know, but sometimes I feel like it just crushes me.

And I want to say things that I shouldn't to people, but I don't think I'll ever say all that I think. I don't want to be rude or drag people down into my own grief, jealousy and anger. Because I know that isn't fair. So I think them instead and hope that they won't always be bitter thoughts. Because I know I can't blame people for living their own life. I don't want people to be weird around me or feel like they can't talk about things.

But fair? What is even fair anymore? And who cares, really?

And sometimes I feel so alone in this that I think I will die. But I have not died from it:

That time
I thought I could not

go any closer to grief
without dying

I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had his hand in this,

as well as friends


(from this poem)

I am grateful for friends who have kept me from collapsing from the weight of it all. And to God, who I think understands when I'm so mad at everything (at times including God) I think I will just die. But then I don't.

Katie shared this scripture eight weeks ago (yep, another tally) when her family was going through a tragedy of their own. And I've memorized it and it's become a close friend, if you will.

Romans 8: "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor
depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
  

hyacinths




 I mentioned earlier that we received a little bulb planter and they bloomed! I didn't know what kind of flowers they were nor that they would bloom so fast. But a few days later I walk into our study and hey! hyacinths (NOT lilacs*, like I thought) I was pleasantly surprised. They smell wonderful and it's kind of funny because they are too heavy for their stems and they lean over a bit. 

thank you, whoever you are, again!

*my sister in law is an expert when it comes to flowers and much better at naming flowers correctly. thanks, shanna!

cherry blossoms


I couldn't resist this little 2-4M cherry blossoms shirt at h&m. only $3!

Is it weird I want to post all the cute clothes we bought/received? 

I know that a lot of people gather baby clothes before they have kids, so I guess we are just doing that. But it's still in this weird time frame where I kinda feel like we're a buying things for this specific baby even though, obviously, we are not. 

And secretly I feel like it's part of the grieving process or something. Because I feel weirdly justified. 

baby hats

We have a few friends having winter babies so last week I started crocheting baby hats and I didn't stop. I made this ear flap beanie and this shell stitch beanie.  

It's been a great way to use up some scraps of yarn. I think my favorite is the blue/cream one, but I do love the little ear flaps. 

new decor/things

I sewed a few things over the last few weeks. Two easy pillow covers (I used some striped fabric that I was holding onto for something...and decided to just use it), an xoxo felt garland and a new cardigan. That was the easiest. I used a tutorial I found on pinterest. It was way easy to save a shirt with a neckline I didn't love. 



desserts


this week I made a few great desserts. and of course, they come from our best bites (I promise, I don't get paid to talk about their recipes).  
The first, pizzookies. I made my favorite chocolate chocolate chip dough and made some caramel syrup. yum!

then I made a raspberry white chocolate cheesecake. 

mmm. 

it's been a good week. / next week I am not going to make any more desserts :)

byu game

 Last weekend we went to the byu basketball game (opponent shall not be named) and it was fun! We went with my little sister and had fun up at the top. Thanks to my parents for the tickets!

february air

I am so glad that January is over. It was much too long and much too sad and much too empty.

I wonder if there will be a time when every Wednesday doesn't mean I make another mental tally (or we both do) of another week. I imagine that soon enough it will be too many weeks to keep track of in my head, but by then it will be easy to count in months or a year. And hopefully by then, we will have another day to count from. And this one won't be so close to the surface.

January was one month down in an unknown number of months ahead. 3 months. That is how far I would have been from a baby today. Can you believe it? I can't...it's like I remember being pregnant but it seems so long ago that I can't imagine what it would be like to 27 weeks pregnant. Ah. What can I do? And now it's 9 + ? = baby. And that ? is stupid. I want our baby, a new baby, someone else's baby...(not in a baby-thief kind of way).

And on that note, thank you to all the ladies who have shared their babies (and toddlers) with me lately. I would hold them even longer if I could...but for those moments I do, it just doesn't seem so long until we will have our own baby. I don't know. It's bittersweet, but mostly sweet because these babies are just so precious and you can't be sad holding a new baby. So even though I'm like, crazy jealous (which is on my own emotional maturity, a story for another day, I am sure), I'm so glad your babies are here safe. And wearing an amanda-made bow tie or onesie, no less! (thank you for humoring me! I will have to post some pictures of the cuties wearing my latest creations.)

so here's to february.

still empty, still sad but not as long (literally, thank goodness).

and full of better things.