february air

I am so glad that January is over. It was much too long and much too sad and much too empty.

I wonder if there will be a time when every Wednesday doesn't mean I make another mental tally (or we both do) of another week. I imagine that soon enough it will be too many weeks to keep track of in my head, but by then it will be easy to count in months or a year. And hopefully by then, we will have another day to count from. And this one won't be so close to the surface.

January was one month down in an unknown number of months ahead. 3 months. That is how far I would have been from a baby today. Can you believe it? I can't...it's like I remember being pregnant but it seems so long ago that I can't imagine what it would be like to 27 weeks pregnant. Ah. What can I do? And now it's 9 + ? = baby. And that ? is stupid. I want our baby, a new baby, someone else's baby...(not in a baby-thief kind of way).

And on that note, thank you to all the ladies who have shared their babies (and toddlers) with me lately. I would hold them even longer if I could...but for those moments I do, it just doesn't seem so long until we will have our own baby. I don't know. It's bittersweet, but mostly sweet because these babies are just so precious and you can't be sad holding a new baby. So even though I'm like, crazy jealous (which is on my own emotional maturity, a story for another day, I am sure), I'm so glad your babies are here safe. And wearing an amanda-made bow tie or onesie, no less! (thank you for humoring me! I will have to post some pictures of the cuties wearing my latest creations.)

so here's to february.

still empty, still sad but not as long (literally, thank goodness).

and full of better things.


Katya said...

I like this post in a I wish I had written it sort of way. And I'm glad I'm not the only one subconsciously keeping track of time since things have happened! Sometimes I wonder when we'll stop doing that.

Emily said...

here's to a new month! we're doing a almost-meatless february and why did we choose february? it's the shortest month of the year. hurray for quick months and bow ties. i can't wait to share a picture with your bow tie all the way in new england!

Amy and Mark said...

I...just love you. You amazed me the other night. You are so tough! And please please hold him every Tuesday night for as long as possible! :)

Laura said...

While reading this post, (by the way I hated when people said this to me) but I understand. Of course, it's not the same with loosing my dad compared to loosing your little girl, but the feeling of that open wound in your heart and knowing how many days, weeks, etc, since it's been I can relate. From what I have learned over the past 4 years since loosing him is the bittersweet feeling of your heart kind of mending. I remember the day that I couldn't remember how many weeks or days it had been since my dad passed, and it was a weird feeling. What I've learned is that it takes time - as annoying as that may be - to be able to get through this. You two are both strong, and I know you can get through this, together. Stay united and you two can face anything.
- Laura F