The whole world is moving and I'm standing still*

I'm still in this place where I feel like I'm standing still watching the world go by.

I know we are okay and I know that God loves me and I know there is a plan and we aren't given more than we can handle and I know that the faithful are given back what was lost and that tears are wiped away and I KNOW ALL OF THAT. Really, I do.

But I know that I am not okay just yet. And I don't think I will be until I hold a baby that is real and mine. I think then my heart will be as whole as it ever will be--whole-er, at least. Whole enough to step back into time? Whole enough to not be so jealous and annoyed? hopefully.

I know that I feel like I'll never think of anything else but the future that we were headed towards. And now it's different. heavier. emptier.

So I stand and watch the world move. I reach my fingers out and feel the time going by, but I can't step into it. And I'm not sure when I'll be able to again.

I can't believe it's been almost 11 weeks.

It's still so unreal to think that our baby is gone. Like that would never happen to us, to anybody. People have babies all the time. Why couldn't ours be one of the full-term healthy ones?

But, ha, it's real. And we knew how real it was that day and every day since.

*world spins madly on, the weepies. I hope you aren't sick of me posting videos...but you don't have to watch them. But you should know that I only post awesome ones.


Debbie Barr said...

I have an online friend who lost a baby daughter last year, and she is still very much dealing with her grief. I don't know if it will help you to read her thoughts or not, but sometimes I think knowing we are not alone in our suffering can help.

Here's her blog. She is very honest, and sometimes it can be hard to read:

Shanna Selin said...

I skimmed a bunch of books recently about miscarriage, and they mentioned that losing a baby before you actually meet it (so a miscarriage or still birth) is one of the most complicated things to grieve since you loved and looked forward to the baby so much, but you never really got to meet him/her. And people who haven't gone through it don't realize how hard it actually is. So I know this doesn't help ease the pain, but I think it is okay to not be okay yet. And I think it is normal not to be okay for quite a while.

Sara said...

My heart breaks for you every time I read your blog. I think there's a really big difference between cognitively knowing something and understanding it in your heart. The second takes time; sometimes lots of it. I hope you're able to find peace. <3

alyssa sorenson. said...

I love you. Love your honesty and how well you acknowledge your feelings. You will get there. My favorite quote of all time and I don't even know who said it: "it won't always be this way". Helps through the hard times and keeps you grounded during the good times. Very sobering. You will get there babe.