the world spins madly on

Last night I think I was awake for at least an hour longer than when we went to bed because all I could think about was those few days. I replayed every second over and over in my head and I couldn't stop. My life is pretty simple these days: I wish every second of every day that we still had our baby (we both do). It almost never goes away. And no, I'm not like crazy with grief and I think if you didn't know, you wouldn't know, but sometimes I feel like it just crushes me.

And I want to say things that I shouldn't to people, but I don't think I'll ever say all that I think. I don't want to be rude or drag people down into my own grief, jealousy and anger. Because I know that isn't fair. So I think them instead and hope that they won't always be bitter thoughts. Because I know I can't blame people for living their own life. I don't want people to be weird around me or feel like they can't talk about things.

But fair? What is even fair anymore? And who cares, really?

And sometimes I feel so alone in this that I think I will die. But I have not died from it:

That time
I thought I could not

go any closer to grief
without dying

I went closer,
and I did not die.
Surely God
had his hand in this,

as well as friends

(from this poem)

I am grateful for friends who have kept me from collapsing from the weight of it all. And to God, who I think understands when I'm so mad at everything (at times including God) I think I will just die. But then I don't.

Katie shared this scripture eight weeks ago (yep, another tally) when her family was going through a tragedy of their own. And I've memorized it and it's become a close friend, if you will.

Romans 8: "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor
depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."


Abby Watson said...

That's a beautiful scripture. Thanks for sharing.

Emily said...

That is most definitely an beautiful scripture. Write on, Amanda, write on.

Katya said...

I love this post. And that poem (again).