my two cents.

hello, like everyone and their dog, we went and saw the hunger games last weekend.

I LOVED IT. and I feel that, in the midst of 1,000 blogger reviews, I must join them. because I feel the movie world deserves to know that I LOVED IT and I do not usually LOVE movies from books. So of course, I feel this is a high compliment towards them and everyone deserves to know it. haha, just kididng.

I was a fan of the shaky cinematography because it brought so much emotion to the film. I loved the behind-the-scenes that you don't get in the book because it's first person. I loved the characters, every single one of them. And I thought for such heavy material, they did the gore part pretty tastefully, as it goes. The movie made us laugh, made me cry* (at least once, maybe twice?), made us jump...oh, it was good.

I am listening to the first book right now and as it goes through I cannot get over how spot on they were with so many things! So many details, lines and scenes are so good. And, unlike rereading most books made to movies, I actually enjoy having the movie in my head as I go through the book again.

Of course there were a few things that you notice are different, but for the most part, their changes made sense and I still loved it. A few things that I thought were "wrong" ended up being right, because I had forgotten how she had described it in the book, so it made it even more impressive.

I also can't get over how much longer until the second one comes out. yikes. good thing I've never been one (for the most part) to count down until a series movie comes out (I just saw them when I saw them) because this is going to make me crazy.


so, hollywood, great job. please hurry with the next one. and more cave, please.

ahh, they are all beautiful.

*on another note, the trailer for titanic in 3d also made me cry. that movie, I declare, is THE SADDEST MOVIE in all of history. I know that there are so many sad movies and so many sad situations, but the titanic is the worst. they are on a boat, for crying out loud, and THEY ALL DIE. in their beds, in the water, in their sleep, with their spouse, with their kids and it's not like it's war-torn germany or the plague. gosh, it's just a darn boat!! THE SADDEST. and celine's ballad DOES NOTHING to help you get over the 5 minute trailer. 

better days

Last week I had an experience where I felt a weight being lifted off me and I felt like I could breathe properly for the first time in 14 weeks.

So now, 15 weeks later, what does this mean? Does it mean that I am no longer hesitant to go to baby showers or other social gatherings? Or that I don't feel a pang of sadness when I hear about someone who is due at the same time I was or when I think about how pregnant I would be? No, unfortunately, it doesn't meant that. Does this mean that I understand what happened or why it happened? No. Does this mean I don't grind my teeth when I hear people complain about any part of pregnancy? Ha, no.

But what I have seen in the last week is that this weight or dark cloud over my mind has been lifted, even if just by a few feet. What it does mean is I don't initially take everyone else's pregnancy personally. That I can last longer before bitterness creeps into my heart. And sometimes it doesn't. And it's nice. And I know it's probably not real, but I do feel that I can breathe deeper.

Something I have struggled with is letting go of this bitterness and sadness. Because some part of me thinks that if I'm past the bitterness and sadness then maybe it's like it never happened. That if I am now all okay and everything, then it just didn't affect me or doesn't still. That it's forgotten.

But I will never forget when I couldn't see the blinking spot on the ultrasound of where we had just seen her perfect heart two days before. When we couldn't hear anything. When we were told that delivery of our 20 week old baby girl was imminent. And for no good reason. Sometimes I feel that if I've accepted it then I'm just the same as before.

I realize that we can be okay and still be changed from this. That we can be functioning and happy but still melancholy and perhaps a little empty on the inside. That we can live our lives with this and through it and sometimes away from it. It's always, always there. But it doesn't have to crush us all the time.

I don't know. It may not make any sense, but it is what it is. I'm grateful for the peace I feel and for all those who have helped that be the case. I am glad that we seem to be past the worst of it (but not past all of it). And even though sometimes I'm hesitant to leave that behind, I also don't want to spend my time being sad.

What does it mean to be okay? I don't know.

aimee & colby

my sister got married on friday and it was such a fun day. they looked perfect and happy and it was a beautiful spring day! here are some highlights: 

married! and check out her beautiful bouquet (made by shanna)

my job to bring the bouquet; sisters; sisters being weird; dave and me. 
reception details: centerpieces, cupcakes and cake. 

traditionals. so fun. 

I also gave my first (and hopefully last) wedding lunch speech. The photographer was one of my best friends (bonus!!). I thought the ceremony, luncheon and reception were all so great and we are so happy for the new sanford family! We all really like colby and it's fun to have another brother (in law). I always wanted brothers and knew that if I had all sisters, that meant I would get brothers eventually. I got some great ones by getting married, and now it's fun to have another. Welcome to the family cloby! (that is an on-purpose typo). 

woot woot!

so that's one wedding down this month, one more to go! 

my friends have the best babies

part of this post is to show off how CUTE my friend's kids are.

but they are especially cute when they are wearing a hat or bow tie made yours truly. And not that they are hard or complicated to make or anything, I just love seeing them being worn by these handsome boys. Dave and I both love all these little kids and they always make our days better when we see them (still need to meet little henry!). Thanks for sharing!

ps: let me know if you want me to take down the picture of your kid or anything :) 

city of roses

 picture from etsy (and I kind of want it now, even if I don't get most of the things on it...)

it's official! we're off to portland, oregon for the next little while. Dave got a job there that is a great opportunity and we're excited to spend some time in the north west (oops, said east before. uh, duh)

we'll be headed up there beginning-mid april, which is suuuper soon in some ways. not soon enough for apartment finding though, it seems. still too far away to really get anything and I already learned my lesson by getting too attached to a place. whoops.

off to the land of hippies!


a post in which I use a lot of caps lock to make my point more clear. yes, it's like I'm yelling at you.

We have a problem, people. I have found through my 2 weeks of thrice daily craigslist surfing (and less daily searching for a few weeks before) that NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO POST A DECENT AD.

So, I am going to help you with this.

If you are posting about an apartment, let me tell you what people want to see. They want to see at least two pictures of the kitchen, a full view of the living room, a full view of other rooms is nice, and even the bathroom is nice. Washer and dryer? Sure, post a picture.

A PICTURE OF THE CLOSET (closed, to boot) HELPS NO ONE. AND, and, 5 pictures of the outside DOES NOTHING. Sure, if I like the apartment enough to call/email about it, I'm hoping the outside is nice. BUT I DON'T LIVE OUTSIDE.

Rarely, if ever, will an outside of the house be so amazing that anyone will want to rent it, no questions asked.

Now obviously, I know that the process goes like this: craigslist (or website) --> appointment --> walk through. BUT PEOPLE, time is money, and people don't want to make a million appointments for places because no one had the brains to post some decent pictures of the place. If that is how you want people to see your apartment, then I am sorry. NO ONE WILL CALL YOU.

SO if your craigslist ad includes 10 pictures of the outside of the building/house and 14 of the trees outside, and 1 picture of the closet doors or 1 picture of the kitchen sink OR, heaven forbid, the only picture you have is of the outside, then, my friend, you have the worst ad in the history of forever. (and that was probably the worst sentence in the history of forever).

And this is from experience. I have seen so many useless apartment ads it's just ridiculous.

HUMANS LIKE VISUALS. Especially when it is of a place they are thinking about renting. If you describe any feature in your paragraph or list description (and for the love, please have a description! No one is going to look twice at an ad that says this: apartment for rent. great yard and has a bathroom) INCLUDE A PICTURE. If you think it is so awesome that it will make people want your apartment, you'd better believe they want to see it.

Hardwood floors? Let's see 'em. Walk in closet? Yep. New counters? Let's take a look. Fireplace? Yes, definitely, because some fire places are freaking ugly, and I'd like to know about it before I take the time to see it. Vaulted ceilings? You got it. Large windows? Let me be the judge.

I have never seen an ad and thought "they included way too many pictures". MORE IS BETTER. I always want more pictures because I want to feel like I know exactly what the place looks like before we go see it. Then I'm not super surprised and just wasted my time.

I am just blown away by how many people post such useless ads. And maybe I really am the only one who cares, but seriously, when in doubt, include another picture.

PS my brother in law bruce has a funny post about this as well here. This includes a lot of issues I didn't include here because I was mainly focusing on pictures, but yes, gosh, people need to work on their descriptions and grammar as well!

i just need some peace

I am loving this song and all of his music. Like most people who like specific songs, I really just feel the emotions of this song.

ps - for the record, I don't think that you only need Jesus when you're heart breaks, but that's when you need Him all the more, right?

on star wars day


So, if you remember, we announced we were having a baby with a cinco de mayo theme. Because at our first doctor's appointment he figured out the date to be May 5th. We were a little confused because all the online calculators said May 4th. And we couldn't figure out why. At my study appointments they'd always say the 4th and blah blah blah, kind of confusing but not a huge deal. 

BUT. We finally figured out the discrepancy the day before everything hit the fan, so to speak. We went to the doctor (and everything was fine, just fine) and overheard a girl saying how they had two dates, but because of LEAP YEAR, it was the first one, technically.

YES! I HATE being confused and so I was so happy we finally figured out the difference. Of course a computer would know it was leap year, but those manual wheels wouldn't. So, it turns out, star wars was the way we should have gone. 

Hmm, I wish we would have dressed up as Jedis and gone over or acted it out with our star wars finger puppets. Oh, the possibilities. We'll just have to save them for later, if we are ever blessed with such great timing again. ha. Though there are plenty of holidays (both traditional and obscure) for which to aim.

THE ONESIE. So, soonish after we found out (probably September?) we were over at my grandma's and she has a cool machine that cuts out vinyl things. So I lied a little and said we were making this for a friend. 

And finally, this week, I put it on a onesie. So awesome, RIGHT? I guess our other kids can wear it.

on 3 months, 13 weeks or it's just been forever.

We're up to eyeballs in stress and decisions and details and timing and $800 of canceled flights. BUT I still prefer this because it means we are at least actively living. And we actively and accidentally on purpose scheduled three weeks of April to the very max. 

We also feel up to our eyeballs in disappointment and such, and part of me is just like eh, that's par for the course these days, what's another thing that sucks? We were talking about all the details of our moving and finishing school ad nauseam the other night (this whole week has been terrible; we starting talking at like 10:30 or 11 and don't stop until 12 or 1 until we're both too stressed to sleep anyways. And you may know that sadness comes a lot easier when it's late at night) and we both came to the conclusion that none of this (this meaning all this bad/squished timing and stuff) would have happened if our baby hadn't died. Which may or may not be true, but a few things would have been different and I guess we'll never know but sheesh. It just sucks. 

We looked forward to March because we'd be a month and a half away from a baby and a job and a washer and dryer. And Dave's thesis would be done-ish and about ready to defend. And most of that still applies, but it's still so hard to see what we're missing. 

And sometimes I see myself this summer and fall and winter with nothing planned to do and I just think what am I going to do??

Some days are still hard for both of us. 

And three months has been good for time's sake, but you know, sometimes time is just time and nothing that special. 

And everyone keeps saying  
Nothing helps but time.  
Time is all I own:  
The time won't stop replaying over in my mind 

(joshua radin, one of those days)

But stay tuned, for we soon shall have official future plans. And that is something. 

recommendation: orem restaurants

Dave and I tried a few new restaurants this week. First, for our anniversary, we went to lunch at smashburger. We loved it! We both got "small" version of the burger, split their sweet potato fries and shared a strawberry malt shake. yum!! 

And bonus, we left satisfied, not grossly full. yes!

My parents took us to pizzeria 712 for Dave's birthday. We've heard nothing but good things about it and looove real italian pizza (oh, 7th hill, I miss you). It was great! We shared 3 pizzas and my favorite, hands down, was the butternut squash pizza with ranch bacon (best bacon ever), rosemary and gorgonzola. It was soo good. Their hummus was great too with warm pita bread. 


young and dumb and in love

we've been married for 3 years! so weird, it seems much longer but also like it has flown by. we've done quite a bit in our 3 years: we've seen both coasts and all the country in between, big cities, small cities, 5 apartments, the happiest and saddest times of both our lives...we've had graduations, internships, all sorts of haircuts, new hobbies (both separately and together)...we've made the best of friends and kept up with our old ones...

we planned our life together, but of course it's still quite flexible. but we've had so much fun together these past 3 years and we look forward to many more things: a washer/dryer, a big garden, babies, a retirement plan, more diy projects and vacations and houses...and you know all that happily ever after stuff.

(young love)

latest foodie adventures

our latest cooking endeavors: 

dave made his famous pudding cookies 

sweet potato veggie burgers. these were great. my first attempt at veggie burgers! as warned, they were very fragile. I did add an egg (from the comments) and I think that helped. I also think refrigerating them helped. But when I try veggie burgers again, I'll have to find ways to help them stay together. (rice?)

multigrain bread. it was delicious!

s'mores bars. man, these were good. people raved over these and fought over pieces (not really). BUT. so easy and SO SUCCESSFUL. AND DELICIOUS.

marshmallow fluff is so weird to me. i've never bought/had any before. looks like glass almost when it's set.

 If you want to see more recipes I love, check out our recipes above or my pinterest board (more inclusive). You can also see what is on our horizon with this board. And, if you tried any of them, let me know :)


on quitting my job for no real reason.

So I am quitting my job at the end of march. It look a lot of thought to get to this point, and I'm sure most people think it's a bad decision, but I don't really care. 

I had plans to quit around that time because we were moving and we were going to have a baby and I didn't really want to work after that. Now, we are still moving, but since I work from home, it was still an option to work. But I just had this deadline in my head and I could not get over it. The thought of working past it made me crazy. 

side note: some of you may think "wow, you work from home? and you're quitting? what the what?".  working from home is not for everyone, let me just say. I do not like it. I, of course, have become used to the flexibility and laziness it allows me, but I would give that up for a cubicle in an instant. It was nice for the first...month...and then I look back and 2011 and feel I almost wasted the whole year by sitting on the couch/at the table.

So I thought a lot about it and prayed and thought some more and talked about options. I thought a lot about how I hate making hard decisions without a clear answer, because I feel that I never really get clear answers. 

Not that I've had to make that many hard decisions in my life. Picking my college was pretty easy: I only applied to one and I got in. Marrying Dave was easy. I knew I wanted to from like day 3 and never thought otherwise. (ha). Picking a major was a lot harder with more setbacks and you know, sometimes I still feel like I could have made other decisions. But sometimes that is how it goes...there wasn't one answer so it didn't matter anyway. 

This decision, however, felt a lot more difficult. Mostly because I didn't have anything to go to. I just can't work here anymore. (and I'm not leaving with any animosity or anything...I won't miss the work but I will definitely miss my coworkers!)

What it came down to is I had this overwhelming feeling that there was more for me out there. Something better. And that was it.

I thought of a few scenarios but it always came back to that thought: there is something better. And yes, sure, ok. Noted. 

But I want to know what that is. 

And then Dave and I talked about faith and leaps of faith and how that probably was my answer: there is something else. And so on my part, I am taking steps to get to that point. Quitting my job with nothing else lined up. I don't even know where we are moving. 

And I could be totally crazy. Maybe something better just means something different. Maybe it means no work. Maybe I made it all up, but it isn't a wrong decision, so it just doesn't matter.

But I think there something more and I am lucky that I am able to say that this doesn't make me happy, so I am not going to do it anymore. And we shall see what happens. I wish that I knew everything. (you'd think I would have given up on that by now)

I feel a need to start over, so to speak. new place, new job, new plans. So here we go: 4 more weeks until I am happily unemployed for a little while.

p.s. there are definitely real reasons I am quitting. this isn't totally based on a whim. 

ode to march

the end of another month. and for that, I am grateful.

another month down. and you guys, february was the last month where we don't know anything. march is our month. I love march. march, march, march. i love you.

we will know where we will be going and where dave will be working and we'll know, I'll tell you.

and, also, I loved this post.

we did not struggle for too long getting pregnant (and for that I am grateful), but obviously, we are struggling still the same in getting a baby here. I don't know what the future holds and I don't know if it will be as easy the second time around and if we will have better luck and, you know, better holding placentas.

but in a small way, I feel I can identify with natalie's fight:

"i feel so lucky, because i had to struggle for this first. this silly little life of cleaning up after a baby and sudsing down the high chair tray for the millionth time and counting to three for my cooing little songbird over and over. i had to fight for it first. i was allowed the time to discover how very much i wanted it. my mom always told me this would be the case when i'd call her crying after another failed month, but it never really seemed believable. after all, it's just housework and dirty diapers and negotiating the emotions of a very small person. i mean, it is a little menial. but she'd tell me that my fight would make my baby sweeter, and the late nights easier. the messes smaller."

(emphasis added)

I truly believe that i will see that in my life. and since that is the case, I suppose I can be a little grateful for this struggle (though I will never, ever, in this life, be grateful for what happened) because I do believe that struggles make us stronger and make the good times better.

so, there you go. and you should read nat the fat rat.

and for goodness sake, happy march.