better days

Last week I had an experience where I felt a weight being lifted off me and I felt like I could breathe properly for the first time in 14 weeks.

So now, 15 weeks later, what does this mean? Does it mean that I am no longer hesitant to go to baby showers or other social gatherings? Or that I don't feel a pang of sadness when I hear about someone who is due at the same time I was or when I think about how pregnant I would be? No, unfortunately, it doesn't meant that. Does this mean that I understand what happened or why it happened? No. Does this mean I don't grind my teeth when I hear people complain about any part of pregnancy? Ha, no.

But what I have seen in the last week is that this weight or dark cloud over my mind has been lifted, even if just by a few feet. What it does mean is I don't initially take everyone else's pregnancy personally. That I can last longer before bitterness creeps into my heart. And sometimes it doesn't. And it's nice. And I know it's probably not real, but I do feel that I can breathe deeper.

Something I have struggled with is letting go of this bitterness and sadness. Because some part of me thinks that if I'm past the bitterness and sadness then maybe it's like it never happened. That if I am now all okay and everything, then it just didn't affect me or doesn't still. That it's forgotten.

But I will never forget when I couldn't see the blinking spot on the ultrasound of where we had just seen her perfect heart two days before. When we couldn't hear anything. When we were told that delivery of our 20 week old baby girl was imminent. And for no good reason. Sometimes I feel that if I've accepted it then I'm just the same as before.

I realize that we can be okay and still be changed from this. That we can be functioning and happy but still melancholy and perhaps a little empty on the inside. That we can live our lives with this and through it and sometimes away from it. It's always, always there. But it doesn't have to crush us all the time.

I don't know. It may not make any sense, but it is what it is. I'm grateful for the peace I feel and for all those who have helped that be the case. I am glad that we seem to be past the worst of it (but not past all of it). And even though sometimes I'm hesitant to leave that behind, I also don't want to spend my time being sad.

What does it mean to be okay? I don't know.


Kels H.M. said...

You are amazing. Truly.

Morgan and Holly said...

Love the post. Glad things are slowly evolving for the better mentally and emotionally.

I love the line about you grinding your teeth when people complain about their pregnancy. So true.

Katya said...

I love, love, love this post.


Kristen said...

What a beautiful post. Somethings change us forever, but that doesn't mean that we constantly relive those painfully raw emotions. There is some measure of healing that comes. The sadness creeps back from time to time, but it's not the same dark cloud that once was ever present. Glad you're feeling the dark clouds finally lifting.

Laura C said...

Your strength is so inspiring. I can't even imagine how you must feel, but you are so right that it is changing you, but you will be okay.

Emily said...

This reminds me: I have a story to tell you. Also, I've started planning my trip to Portland in the next year. WIth or without Ryan, I'll be there.

Sara said...

My friend who's mother died last year blogged this post which I thought you might appreciate. She talks about an article she read about grief. I think the best line is "Building a life without the loved person who died cannot be expected to be quick, easy, or straightforward. Life cannot, nor should not, continue as normal. In a sense, a new life has to be created, and lived with." It sounds like you're on that path.

Jo said...

Amanda, I had to catch up BIG time on your blog! I was so behind, I lost your link when I changed my blog name but I'm following you again :) I'm so sorry for your loss, and so happy to read you've at least felt a glimpse of some better days. Also I totally know what you mean about working from home (in that most way down there) and I'm so glad I'm not the only one! I just barely quit my stay at home job. Not for me. Anyway, happy to be following your blog again :)