on 3 months, 13 weeks or it's just been forever.

We're up to eyeballs in stress and decisions and details and timing and $800 of canceled flights. BUT I still prefer this because it means we are at least actively living. And we actively and accidentally on purpose scheduled three weeks of April to the very max. 

We also feel up to our eyeballs in disappointment and such, and part of me is just like eh, that's par for the course these days, what's another thing that sucks? We were talking about all the details of our moving and finishing school ad nauseam the other night (this whole week has been terrible; we starting talking at like 10:30 or 11 and don't stop until 12 or 1 until we're both too stressed to sleep anyways. And you may know that sadness comes a lot easier when it's late at night) and we both came to the conclusion that none of this (this meaning all this bad/squished timing and stuff) would have happened if our baby hadn't died. Which may or may not be true, but a few things would have been different and I guess we'll never know but sheesh. It just sucks. 

We looked forward to March because we'd be a month and a half away from a baby and a job and a washer and dryer. And Dave's thesis would be done-ish and about ready to defend. And most of that still applies, but it's still so hard to see what we're missing. 

And sometimes I see myself this summer and fall and winter with nothing planned to do and I just think what am I going to do??

Some days are still hard for both of us. 

And three months has been good for time's sake, but you know, sometimes time is just time and nothing that special. 

And everyone keeps saying  
Nothing helps but time.  
Time is all I own:  
The time won't stop replaying over in my mind 

(joshua radin, one of those days)

But stay tuned, for we soon shall have official future plans. And that is something. 


2 comments:

Emily said...

I'm definitely staying tuned. And can't wait to see what's in store for you two. Definitely good things. And go to sleep for goodness sake!!

Teri Bench said...

You can do hard things. What choice do you have, really? I wish I could take the hurt for you both. Love you!