fighting

Our internet was hooked up yesterday...happy day!

So we're getting settled and just have a few more finishing touches and then I think it will just a few weeks for this apartment to feel like home. I mean, we live here now and I know that...but since it's new it still feels new. It's familiar but not habitual. But I'll post some pictures soon. 

One downside of getting settled is what it leaves for me. I know there are worse situations to be in, but man, I feel like I can't catch a break! I am always, always left in this situation. Home, by myself, with no real direction in my life except just waiting for the future. I'm glad that we're here and Dave has a real job now and that part is taken care of...and while our future is of course intertwined, we also have our separate directions. And my life is just moving because the days move. 

And I hate it! I hate that I'm here again. I hate that I'm here because I was sure I would be somewhere else. I was halfway to somewhere else. Like, it was a sure thing. And then it wasn't anymore. And now I'm just here. And it's getting to the time where everyone who was due around the same time as me is having their babies. And we're happy for them and would never begrudge them for having a baby, of course not. But it just makes it so much more ever-present in my mind, more than it already is! And it's better than it was, but now everyone is having their babies and I just think how we'd be having a baby now too. This week would be 39 weeks. Which means we would have been having a baby any time now. And I'm hoping when 40 weeks rolls around that will give me a sense of closure and finality. Like, we made it as far as it would have gone (approximately). 

I'm hoping reaching 40 weeks will make each week better, because we don't have a baby to now count the days from. Which is a problem in and of itself but...different? But I'm sure it will still be similar. Like I thought we'd have a baby for mother's day and father's day. And now I'm just looking forward to ignoring it (but how can you ignore it?) for the awkward and painful reminder it is. So instead of being like "oh, I would be 38 weeks pregnant for this", it will be like "shoot, I thought I was getting a baby for my birthday." Gosh, I hope this ends someday. 

Some days in the last two weeks have been really hard. The nights I was alone didn't help at all, but I think all the changes going on made it a little extra worse. But that happens. You're "fine" and whatever, but some moments you aren't. Sometimes you dream about babies and wake up feeling terribly sad and empty. Or you see the most perfect baby at church and feel like you're going to die again. I have made it past the bitterness and the anger, sure, but that doesn't take the sadness away that creeps back in. And all you can do is cling to the knowledge that things will be okay. That blessings and babies and love and peace will come. 

So I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with myself for the next little while. I don't want to settle for a job that I don't like, because that never made anyone happy. And I'm glad that I'm in a situation where I don't have to. But I don't want to sit here forever either. I'm thinking about going back to school...but for what? Not sure. Another thing I'm struggling with is I feel like I'm not very good at working hard. I mean, sure, I went to college and got a degree. And I did take 18 credit semesters and did all my homework and whatever. But after I didn't get into the nursing program, I feel like I picked an easier major because...it was easier. And now I'm almost disgusted at myself for it. I thought about a lot of majors but didn't go with them because they had too much chemistry or too much math or whatever...I mean, who does that? I did enjoy my major and feel like it has a lot of benefit in my life (not my professional life, though...?) but I wish I would have set a higher bar for myself. So perhaps now I will try to think of what I want to do...and then qualify for myself for it. Science and math and hours and all. Even if it's hard.

Because frankly, what else do I have to do? Because for once in my life (dramatic) I would like to feel like I'm fighting for something and feel like I am winning. 

I also feel like I'm fighting for something else, but I almost feel like I've bowed out, somewhat graciously or maybe not at all, of it. I didn't know I would have to fight so hard for this, but what can you do? Fighting for it almost never helps, so what is the point? I will just have to concede to the timing of my life and hope that years and years from now, it won't hurt as much. 

And end the dramatics. whew. 

6 comments:

Emily said...

Way to go for writing this all out. You're a winner!! I know we're girls and were not always looking for advice, but if you are, I say to look at your eternal goals and know that whatever you choose (more school, which job) you're heading in the right direction. We love you!!!

Heidi said...

I have never lost a baby, so I don't know how that feels. I can imagine that it would be awful. I can kind of relate to you. I know I have a child and I am so grateful, but we have been trying for a year and a half now to have another baby and it isn't happening. So I know how you feel when you see everyone else having babies. It seems so easy for them to get pregnant and stay pregnant. It doesn't seem fair. It is very frustrating and hard. I seem to find myself feeling mad and bitter as well. I know our stories are different, but the end result is the same I guess. It was so easy to get pregnant with Trey so I was naive in thinking it would happen that easy again. So in some ways I can share in your frustrations. I know you will have more babies and you will be a great mom. I am looking forward to the day you make that announcement again! I am sorry you are feeling stuck in life. I think it is awesome you are thinking about going back to school. Whatever you decide, you will do great. I think about you often. Keep on fighting! You are amazing!

Karen said...

I feel like so many of your posts I had many of the same feelings you express. It's so hard life doesn't work out as you planned. I think our youth must give us a false sense of security or something just knowing that 8th grade comes after 7th and you can count on it. You know what is next, but turns out, when you're a grown up, you really don't, and I definitely learned that the hard way. I also had many thoughts about going back to school and what not, that wasn't really an option for me with our timing and plans but if that's what you want to do then you should go for it. I think you are right thought that it gets a little easier after you have passed the due date. I have thought about you a lot lately knowing that was coming up. I'm positive you will be a mom someday, but I know the wait is really hard in the meantime.

Katya said...

Such a relief to have internet, isn't it? I love this post because sometimes I feel like I totally screwed up my undergrad years too, not getting straight A's like I did in high school and not winning all these awards or anything. I wish I'd set a higher bar for myself too. Good luck with all of your fighting. I know you'll come out on top.

(and if you end up doing lots of science...I can help!!!)

Amy and Mark said...

Honey don't beat yourself up! You ARE a hard worker--I ADMIRE how hard you work at everything you do! You always dress perfectly, you make incredible food, you're such a WONDERFUL friend, you're extremely intelligent and well rounded, and I think you deserve the world and will get a "break" soon!! Who freaking cares if you didn't get in to nursing school. I can only imagine those feelings you're getting with seeing other people with babies due around your due date. I would be a mess, to put it lightly! You're SO DANG STRONG and geez...If Heavenly Father is putting you through these trials, that tells me you're super woman and if you don't feel that way NOW you'll look back eventually and be like "Yeahh...that's right, that was HARD! I can do ANYTHING! SUCKAS!!!" I love you. I miss you. Noah wants to smother you with slobbery kisses.

Jessie Heaton said...

O, Amanda, if I were to write a blog post right now, it might sound exactly like this one :-) Not exactly, because I would have only been about 5 months prego right now if things had gone as planned. BUT still, the feeling directionless, not wanting to get a job (or jobS--I have two meaningless ones now) you don't like, feeling like you are "losing", even feeling like you chose the easier major that influences nothing besides the occasional healthy dinner....we're on the same page, sister. I've thought about going back to school too, but to study what? Who knows. The only thing that has helped me feel like I'm winning is running. I hated it, always wanted to like it, and now I actually do. And I'm getting good at it. It's small, but it's something that has made me feel in charge again. Love and miss u.