forty weeks.

We have finally made it to forty weeks. I'm not sure this day is any different; we are always thinking about it and this day doesn't really seem like it's any more present. It is Star Wars day, which would be way cooler with a baby wearing this. And you know, it's weird but I kind of feel like "hey, this is our day". But, it's not. It's not ours in any real way, but we still feel a connection to it.

It's just here. A day that is burned into our brains. (and so is tomorrow)

We would give anything for this to mean that we would finally get to meet our little baby. Instead, I hope that it means we have closed off those months with some sort of objective finality. I hope it means no more counting. And I doubt that is the case but it will be a different kind of counting, one that hurts less. Whatever it means, we made it forty weeks. There are no more dates associated with this and it's almost a relief.

Twenty weeks ago I delivered a perfect little girl, whom we miss every day. Twenty weeks ago was the last time in this life we would see her kicking and moving, watch her perfect heart beating.

And all these months later, we remember those days so clearly.

Twenty weeks later our hearts are still broken but maybe not in so many pieces. They are so full of the love we have felt from all our family and friends, so full of hope for the future, so full of peace of the knowledge of a bigger plan for us. We could never say it enough, but thank you to all of you. For all of your emails, texts, calls, visits, flowers, cookies, meals, packages and anonymous gifts over the last 20 weeks. For reading my jumbled, pain-filled, cynical words as we tried to find our way out of this. All of your support has been keeping us alive, and we are eternally grateful and indebted to your kindness.

A few months ago we decided that we did want to name our baby. And we kept it to ourselves for the most part because there wasn't really any reason to say it out loud. And maybe there still isn't but since we did name her, people might as well know it, right? There isn't anything official about it and for now we still just say "baby", but in the future, we'll hopefully have other babies and now they will all have names we can talk about.

we named our baby lucy.

10 comments:

Jenna & Joey said...

I was thinking about you today, remembering that Star Wars Day was going to be your day. Lucy is a beautiful name, and I'm sure one day when you see her again, she will be beautiful too.

Morgan and Holly said...

Aww...I love Lucy! It's a perfect name. I'm crying at work..thanks a lot, Amanda...geeze ;) Love you guys!

Laura C said...

Your strength still amazes me. I don't know how you do it. And I love the name lucy :)

Kristen said...

Such a beautiful post - it brought me to tears. I've been thinking about you a lot this week, knowing that your day was coming up. You are an amazingly strong lady, Amanda. Thanks for sharing the name you gave your sweet little girl. It's perfect.

Karen said...

This made me cry too. And I was definitely thinking about you today. I love her name too! Thank you so much for sharing that.

Kara Lyn said...

I want to give you a big hug. I miss you and I hope all is going well in Portland. Next time you're in town, we should probably get together. You're great.

kt said...

A beautiful name for your beautiful daughter. We continue to keep you in our prayers. Love you!

Katya said...

This post is perfect. And Lucy is the perfect name.

Emily said...

we love you. and my heart totally melted with that last line. melted.

Teri Bench said...

Thank you for sharing. Thought of you and Dave and Lucy all day. Love you!