all the posts I didn't write since may.

I didn't blog too much this summer. I wasn't doing much (as further explained in this post) and most of the thoughts in my head were the thoughts that follow. I didn't write too much anywhere else so I've just had these thoughts floating around for the last few months. I hope you don't mind me sharing these (and if you do, don't read it, I guess).

So as we expected and as anyone may expect, the first few months of this pregnancy has been very different from the last time. Last time, I took a test the minute I was late. This time, I waited a week before mentioning anything because I didn't want us to have to open up all the things that would come with a positive test. I mean, it was exciting, of course. I don't mean to make it sound like we weren't excited at all, but we were also so nervous. Nervous and apprehensive. We didn't want to think too far into the future and we said things like "if" and "maybe".

May and June were mostly really boring. Thankfully I don't remember much of it...but that's probably because I didn't do that much! I read some books, watched t.v., did some cooking and made sure I exercised everyday. I also slept in super late so that by the time I exercised and got ready, I only had four/five hours until Dave came home. I wasn't depressed (and I know how serious that can be) but I was definitely getting there. Thankfully, early summer didn't last forever. It just felt like limbo. Yes, I was pregnant, but we were still so unsure about everything that it didn't seem to count.

At my 12 week appointment, we met my doctor, who is really nice. After discussing our history, I was put on "rest". Not bed rest, but I was advised to not work, volunteer or be on my feet for hours at a time. This was slightly unexpected, but I suppose it wasn't really. This was frustrating, as I had a volunteer orientation that same day. But I canceled that and canceled looking for work (which had been really slow anyway, ha).

I felt once again how my life was just stuck. I couldn't do what I really wanted to do (oh wait, I didn't even know what that was) and was lacking any motivation to do anything (though even if I'd wanted to now, I couldn't). I didn't want to do any baby projects or anything, because I was unsure of the future. It is really lame that when I had time to do a lot of things (besides working and such), I didn't want to do any of them.

I had ultrasounds and appointments every two weeks or so and while the mere sight of the doctor's office building now puts us into nervous moods, they all went well. It's been an interesting 4.5 months. A lot of different emotions for both of us. Sometimes we felt completely overwhelmed, really scared, really excited, sad about the past, anxious about future weeks, etc. We are grateful for all of our family and friends who have prayed for us (even without knowing).

It was a small victory for us when I set my personal pregnancy record. I made it past 5:45 at 19 weeks and 5 days. Wahoo! Of course, the next day was when I was put on bed rest as we discovered my potential for preterm labor seems to be more than random. So, kind of anti-climatic, but STILL. We made it to the point we were so scared of. We had felt, in the weeks before, it was like this impending day hanging over our heads. There was nothing we could do, really, to stop anything from happening and we just had to keep going close to the day. It was overwhelming.

And now, I'm on bed rest. I am super grateful that it's not total bed rest, but it's an adjustment. I thought I felt useless before, but at least I did my part of cleaning, cooking, preparing, etc. It's really hard to just sit there while everyone else completes normal, not-very-taxing tasks. Dave gets worried if I unload the dishwasher! It's also an adjustment because while Dave is super willing to do everything I would ask him to, I can still get carried away, even on the couch. I have to adjust my to-do list, since it becomes Dave's to-do list too.

I feel like my life was already on rest before, and now it's even worse. However, I will say that there is a slight difference as I know it's medically necessary. I try really hard not to let myself feel super bad about my life being on hold/stuck because it's not something I chose. At least, for the next four months. I don't love that my life now looks almost like my life the last four months but...there are some slight differences. I had to drop the classes I was going to start next week and that was really sad. I looked forward to those since July and felt like I was finally doing something! (My doctor said in July that after 22.5 weeks, he'd be fine with me doing more. That was before recent discoveries.)

I think knowing that I will be on bed rest for four months gave me the motivation that I lacked earlier this summer. I, of course, regret all the times I didn't do any of the things I thought about in the last few months because now I can't really do them. But I've tried to find some projects I can do and have Dave get supplies for me (and he's been so great about that). I renewed my interest in the library and have a long list of holds. And of course netflix and the internet are also great at passing time. Stay tuned for all the things I'll be cranking out, just me and my crochet hook.

So yes, I am sad that I am kind of stuck in place (almost literally. sad.). But I am glad that it's a least with a purpose? Dropping everything I was doing (or planned to do) isn't ideal, but of course it's worth it. There are plenty of years ahead for all the things I want to do.

Please don't get the impression that we don't think it's worth it or are being complain-y about it. My point in posting is to be honest and to explain, not to complain. Yes, it's not ideal. But we are hopeful and happy and excited, even with all the worry. We are so grateful for every day that has ended with me still being pregnant. And whatever it takes, even if it's full-on bed rest or anything else they'd advise, we would do it. We know that so many struggle for babies, and while our struggle is different than most, we are still so grateful for the chance to have another baby.

we don't take anything for granted. not one single day. even all the extra appointments and ultrasounds. seeing our baby in his favorite place (upside down in a summersault) every few weeks (lately every week) isn't the worst way to spend your pregnancy.

My dear friend emily sent me a package with some of her baby's baby clothes (what? he is old enough to have "baby" clothes??) for us to use. I am dying. LOOK AT THOSE SHOES. It's not all worry over here, folks. We have plenty of fun planning and baby clothes loving to do.

ALSO. Our baby will have more stripes than me. Seriously, I think he's up to nine striped outfits, off the top of my head.

anyway, thanks for reading. thanks for your sweet comments, prayers and well-wishes. we love you! 


Connie said...

Glad to hear things are going well, or at least as well as can be hoped for considering. You are getting really good at your needle crafting. My kids fasted for you last Sunday. They felt jipped that they weren't let in on the loop during the big family fast. They never fast so I didn't think they would care. But man, they are determined that you will have this baby and all will be well. We love you and are rooting for you during this challenging time.

Tyra Hustedt said...

I totally understand the feeling useless on bed rest thing. I was only on rest for like 7 weeks before Eli was born, but that was torture, even though it really was the best thing for him. In my experience, bed rest doesn't get better, but it's totally worth it when you get to hold that precious little bundle. Totally Worth it :)

Emily said...

WE LOVE YOU! I am so grateful for an amazing best friend like you that I can give some of Henry's clothes to. Keep up the amazingness, I know you can do it, and do it in stride. On a side note, the next time we talk, I think we need to get some sort of book club in order. And don't even get me started on that adorable baseball hat you found...

Kara Lyn said...

Bed rest is hard and boring but in the end worth it. I hope all goes well the next couple of months. You could always take online classes or something. I wish I could keep you company.

Kelsey said...

Good luck with bedrest. Ken, like Dave, is always super cautious and protective when I'm with child. I think it is primitive and cute.
Anyway, there is lots of good history channel and documentary type things on Netflix that feel useful, instead of just time fillers.
I pray for you and your baby!

Sara said...

That sounds really hard! I hope that you find lots of things you can do on bed rest!

Janie said...

Amanda- this is Janie (Allred) from High School. I just have to tell you how happy I am to hear your news! So incredibly happy!! (the tears are flowing). I happened upon your blog via a fb link in my feed months ago, at the time your sweet family suffered your loss. I was so saddened by it. I checked your blog almost every day after that for a long time. And cried lots of unhappy tears. I was pregnant at the time and just didn't know how to express to you how much I was thinking of you and praying for you! But I was. I imagined that words would be practically meaningless though when you are going through something like that. So I am telling you now how much of a stalker I have been and how I am still going to be thinking of you while you are on bed rest! I am so excited for you, your husband, and your coming little one.

Unknown said...

Amanda - I can relate a bit to you being on bedrest - but in a different way when I had my back surgery. Yes, I know it sucks, but you wil be so thankful in the end once you have your precious baby boy in your arms. Think about the future and just keep January in mind! I wish I lived in the same town as you again, because I would come take care of you/keep you company and I'd be more than wiling to push you around in a wheelchair so you can browse through Target :)

Katya said...

I really love this post. I think you do such a great job of blogging honestly, if that makes sense?
And I'm sorry you're on bed rest! Call me when you get bored! Also, I always have more book recommendations...